


sincerely, sylvain jose gautier

by Mott



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22037116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mott/pseuds/Mott
Summary: Sylvain met Felix when they were kids. They became fast friends.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 12
Kudos: 91





	sincerely, sylvain jose gautier

Dear diary,

Tomorrow is going to be a good day because tomorrow, Duke Fraldarius is coming. Duke Fraldarius doesn't smile a lot like Mother but his smile feels real. I like it when he visits because he laughs a lot and always brings gifts for me and Miklan. My favorite part about his visit though is that Glenn is also coming. I like Glenn a lot because Glenn let me stand on his shoulders last time to climb the apple tree, but he also helped me climb down. Whenever Miklan helps me climb trees he would laugh when I'm too scared to climb down and just leaves me there until Tabitha finds me. Last time Glenn came I couldn't play with him a lot because I was too small and couldn't go with Glenn and Miklan. I am bigger now, so I can finally go with them this time. I can't wait for Duke Fraldarius to come and bring Glenn.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Miklan said I was still a baby and I couldn't come with Glenn and him to play. That's not fair because Duke Fraldarius said in the letter that Glenn was excited to see both of us. I asked Miklan to list out all the things he was going to do with Glenn, and then I said I was old enough to do them all. He shoved me really hard but I didn't cry at all because I am not a baby anymore.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Tabitha said I am old enough to play with Glenn. She said Glenn is a sweet kid, and he will watch me properly. I had to tell her that I don't need to be watched because I am not a baby anymore, and I don't cry a lot now when Miklan is mean to me. She looked really sad.

I feel bad because it felt nice when Tabitha looked sad. I like Tabitha, and I don't want her to be sad. I like it when someone is sad that Miklan is mean to me. When I told Mother that Miklan is mean to me, she told me that Miklan is trying to be a good brother he just doesn't know how.

I don't think Miklan is trying to be a good brother. I'm too scared to tell Father

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Tonight at dinner, Father said I was going to have an extra tutor to learn Almyran. Miklan said he doesn't have a tutor for Almyran, and Father said maybe when he stops failing to learn the Sreng language he can have one. I felt bad, so I told Miklan that Miklan shouldn't feel bad because we only needed to learn the Sreng language anyway, and learning Almyran was more of a punishment. Father yelled at me for being ungrateful. Miklan looked happy, but I felt worse.

Tabitha gave me an extra creampuff after dinner. I feel a little better now.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I am so excited! Father said Duke Fraldarius is arriving this afternoon. At breakfast this morning, everyone seemed so cheerful. Even Miklan looked so excited because Glenn was coming.

Miklan said that he can't wait to beat Glenn in a spar again. Father said that he had seen Glenn trained a month ago when he went to the capital, and Miklan would do well not to underestimate him. Miklan didn't look excited anymore. I told Miklan that Miklan could definitely beat Glenn (but that was a lie), but Miklan just got angry at me for being a stupid baby and not knowing anything.

I can't wait for Glenn to come and beat Miklan and play with me.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I got a surprise today. Duke Fraldarius brought Glenn but he also brought his other son. His name is Felix. Felix is even smaller than I am and has chubby cheeks like a baby. Felix is like a baby but not in an annoying way like Miklan usually says but in a cute way. Duke Fraldarius told Felix to go with us, but Felix won't let go of his father. Glenn even said that he was going to be with him the whole time but Felix still wouldn't let go. Father looked mad, and I was worried that he would yell at Felix, but he didn't.

Then I told Felix that I am excited to play with him and Glenn, and he can hold my hand if he gets scared. Felix looked at me for the first time, and I tried to smile even though I didn't want to because Felix still looked sad. Felix stopped crying. Duke Fraldarius said I was a good young man, and I was so happy because no one had ever said something so good to me before. Glenn patted my back and said thanks. I felt proud because I have seen Father's soldiers do this, and they are real grown ups.

Father said that Miklan can go with Glenn and I can watch Felix. I was upset because I wanted us all to play together. I even grew up this year. Duke Fraldarius said so. Father said Miklan wanted to spar with Glenn, and they're not playing around because it is serious older kid's stuff. I wanted to say I am an older kid too but then I remembered Felix is still small, and I don't want to leave him behind.

I can't play with Glenn, but I have Felix. Felix is very cute. In front of everybody he wouldn't take my hand, but when they had their backs to us, he grabbed my hand. I really like holding hands with Felix. I like that Felix didn't let go even though our hands got sweaty unlike everyone else. I showed Felix everything in the fortress, but we didn't finish before dinner.

At dinner, Felix asked to sit next to me. Felix is the best. Not even Glenn asks to sit next to me. I think I like Felix more than Glenn.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Felix got mad at me.

Earlier Felix and I fought with our wooden swords. Felix is really good! When I told him that his face got all red and said that Glenn was better. I told him that he can be even better than Glenn someday, and he turned redder. Then I remembered that when I became better than Miklan at chess, he got mad and hit me with the chess board. I promised Felix that when he becomes a better swordman than Glenn, I won't let Glenn hit Felix. Felix said that Glenn wouldn't, and I said that he might. Felix got really mad when I said older brothers get angry when their younger brothers surpass them.

I got angry at Felix too and told Felix that he is still a baby, and he doesn't know anything. Now Felix won't talk to me. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm angry at Felix. I'm just angry in general, and I don't know how to stop. I am going to ask Mother what to do.

Felix wouldn't sit next to me at lunch.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Mother said I'm not supposed to tell outsiders our family business. She is really upset with me. She wants me to apologize to Felix and tell him that I was just joking about how older brothers can be cruel.

I don't want to, but I still want Felix to be my friend.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Tabitha explained everything to me, and I think I get it now. She gave me an example: what if Felix's nanny is mean to Felix, and then he tells me that all nannies are bad people. I think I would be very upset because Tabitha is the kindest person I know, and I don't want Felix to talk badly of her. I told Tabitha what I thought, and she cried a little. She said they were happy tears though.

I think I should apologize to Felix for hurting his feelings and for calling him a baby.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I apologized to Felix, and I made him cry. He said he was really sad because he didn't want to lose me as a friend. I cried too because Felix was crying. I never had someone who told me they still want to be my friends even though I made them upset.

We played princess and the knight today. Felix was the knight who rescued me from the evil beast. This was better than playing with Miklan because Miklan was always the knight, and I was always the beast. When Glenn played with us he always offered to play the beast, and Miklan and me would be knights, but then Miklan would turn evil midway and be a beast with Glenn. Playing with Felix is the best because I like playing princess, and he likes playing knight. Felix is also better with swords so it makes sense.

After Felix rescued me from the beast, he gave me a kiss on the cheek to wake me up from the evil spell. I like it a lot. This is why playing princess is the best because knights always have to be nice to you.

I asked Felix not to tell anyone that we played princess and knight like that because my parents wouldn't like that. I also told Felix that Miklan would make fun of me if he knew. I know Mother said I'm not supposed to tell outsiders about family business, but I really like Felix, and I don't want to lose him. Felix was confused, but I explained to him that Father might not let Felix visit me anymore if he decides he doesn't like how we play together. Felix nodded and said he wants to visit me all the time if he can so he won't tell anyone.

At dinner, Duke Fraldarius asked what we did today. Felix didn't say anything because he didn't know how to lie, but I am older, and I can. I said we were playing swords, and I let Felix win.

Felix's cheeks puff up a lot when he is upset. If he isn't such a great swordman then I think he would make a good princess because his cheeks would be soft to kiss.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Felix stayed in my room last night because we wanted to make a pillow fort from the blankets and pillows from my bed and also from some of the guest rooms. Sleeping in a pillow fort was so much cooler than sleeping on my bed.

I wanted to show my favorite book to Felix, but it was too dark to read. Felix really wanted to know, so I told him my favorite stories from the book. Felix said he didn't like the stories much but he really liked that I was telling him the stories. I told him that I really liked that Felix wanted to listen.

I fell asleep with Felix next to me. I never felt so warm. I wish Felix would be my friend forever.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I don't want to talk to Felix anymore.

He broke the lance off the wooden carving of a knight on a horse that I had since I was smaller.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Father ordered me to play with Felix, and I don't want to.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I messed up.

I was still mad that he broke my carving because it was the first toy Father bought for me that Miklan didn't break. I worked so hard keeping it hidden for so long.

I didn't want to talk to Felix but Father would be mad so I had to. Felix said that he didn't mean to break my carving. Father said it was just a small and silly toy, and I was too old for it anyway.

I smiled and said it was okay even though it wasn't. Felix looked sad still, but I felt so angry seeing that. Why was Felix the one who was sad? Why am I always the person who has to try to make others feel better? Why am I always the one who gets scolded and yelled at and hit?

Why did Father take Felix's side?? He is My Father.

So I pretended I was fine, and I was going to play with Felix again. I suggested hide and seek, and when I was supposed to go find Felix, I just went to the study to read instead.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I thought that Felix would be tired of hiding and leave his hiding spot at some point. He didn't show up to dinner.

Duke Fraldarius frowned a lot when Father ordered me to tell everyone what happened, and I've never felt so awful in my entire life. Glenn was also upset and said that he should have stayed with Felix himself. I was too scared to look at Miklan. I felt so ashamed.

Father ordered all the servants to the courtyard and asked them if anyone had seen Felix. It had been half a day, and no one had seen him. Everyone is trying to find Felix now.

I'm scared because what if something happened to Felix? He is so small, I should have kept an eye on him all the time. I shouldn't have tried to purposely hurt him like that. I don't want Felix to get hurt. I was so stupid for purposely tricking him in the first place.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Glenn found Felix asleep in one of the cabinets in the study. I was in the study this entire afternoon, and I didn't notice Felix was hiding. No one thought of looking in the study except for Glenn. Felix probably sat in the cabinet the entire time knowing that I was sitting outside reading and forgetting about him.

Felix didn't say anything when we found him. He hugged Glenn, and then his father. He didn't cry, but his eyes were red like he had been crying earlier. He didn't meet my eyes.

Felix sat next to Glenn at dinner. He didn't respond when I asked him if he was okay.

When I returned to my room, the pillow fort was still up. I cried when I saw it.

Felix probably doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Miklan is right. I don't know anything, and I always ruin things for everyone else.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I told Tabitha what happened. She told me it was okay to feel upset when Felix broke my carving because it was something that was important to me. Tabitha then asked if I think how I treated Felix in response was acceptable. I knew that I shouldn't have done that to Felix. It was an accident because Felix fell when he was holding the carving, and it broke. Felix didn't mean to hurt me, but I was wrong in purposely hurting him when he has been doing his best to be my friend.

Tabitha said she was glad that I figured out my feelings. I asked her if she thought Felix would accept my apology and be my friend again. She said that Felix might or might not, and an important part of growing up is learning when I'm wrong and apologize even if the person might not accept it.

I am going to apologize to Felix. I hope he will accept my apology. I know he doesn't have to, but I will be very sad if he doesn't.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

I apologized to Felix after breakfast today. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong for intentionally hurting him.

Felix didn't say anything. He then shoved something hard on my chest. It was my carving! Felix got the lance glued back! It seemed so silly now that I caused so much problems when the broken carving was an easy fix.

I ran after Felix and asked Felix if he still wanted to play with me. Felix said he didn't know if he could believe me anymore. That made me sad. Tabitha told me once that trust is a fragile thing that is hard to build but easily broken.

I told Felix that I was sad that he couldn't believe me, but I understood. I asked if we could still play together anyway because I still like Felix a lot, and I will do my best not to be bad to him.

Felix didn't say anything for a long time, but then he said yes, we could play together!

I am very happy because I miss playing with Felix.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Today when Felix and I were playing by the chapel, I swung my training lance a little too hard and it smashed against the stained glass window and cracked it. I was really scared because Mother specially ordered these stained glass windows, and she loved them. They were very expensive. This was definitely something that Father would hit me for.

When Father asked me what happened, I was too scared to say anything. Then Father asked Felix what happened, and Felix didn’t say anything either. Neither of us said anything even when Duke Fraldarius asked. We were both punished but it wasn’t bad. All we had to do was stand in different corners of the chapel and not do anything until lunch time. Father looked like he wasn’t happy about the light punishment, but Duke Fraldarius was there, and he didn’t say anything.

I was glad that I had Felix with me. We made faces at each other across the chapel, and it was really fun even though I still felt bad about the window. I was really happy to have Felix with me.

I told Felix I was sorry that he was also punished for something I did. He said that he didn’t mind because if my father doesn't know which one of us did it and punishes us both, then my father won’t give that hard of a punishment to just me. He said that this was what Glenn did with him too. Felix was smarter than I thought.

Felix said he felt really bad when I explained that the stained glass windows were Mother’s favorite. Felix said that Mother would be sad, and we should apologize to her. I told Felix that Mother had a lot of favorite things, and we could replace them so it was not a big deal. Felix then said that when he broke my wooden carving by accident, I was really upset because it was important to me. He was right. I was really sad. I didn’t think that Mother would be extra sad about the windows because she was already sad all the time, but I don’t want her to be sadder.

Felix and I went to pick some flowers for Mother, and then we went to Mother to apologize. Mother hugged us both and said that she was glad we were okay and that the window didn’t break and hurt us. She whispered to me that she won’t tell Father, so I don’t have to worry.

When we left, Felix asked me why Mother and I are afraid that Father would find out. I think now I understand what Mother meant by not letting outsiders know about our family business. They don’t understand. I told Felix that I don’t want to disappoint Father, and it wasn’t a big deal.

I think Felix believes me.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Felix is sleeping in my room again tonight. He is leaving tomorrow, and I don’t want him to. Having Felix here has been so much fun even though there were times where I didn’t think Felix was so great. There were probably times where Felix didn’t think I was great either. Now, I think Felix is amazing, and I wish he can stay with me all the time.

Felix is asleep now. He lies very still when he sleeps. He told me earlier that he didn’t mind if I wanted to cuddle up like last time even though I kick him sometimes in my sleep. I told him he doesn’t have to sleep next to me if I kick him so much. He said he wants to sleep next to me because tomorrow he is leaving, and he will miss me. He got all embarrassed after he said that and buried his face in the blanket. This is another reason why Felix is the best.

I told Felix that he is my bestest friend in the whole world, and I want him to stay. Felix said that he couldn’t stay forever, but I should come and visit him. I like that idea a lot! We are going to ask Duke Fraldarius tomorrow. I hope he says yes.

I am going to sleep now because I have to get up early to send Felix off.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

Dear diary,

Felix left today. Felix didn’t cry but his eyes were slightly wet. I was torn because I felt glad that Felix felt as bad as I am about him leaving, but at the same time I didn’t want Felix to feel sad ever. I told Felix that I will write to him every week. Duke Fraldarius thanked me for doing my best to take care of Felix, and I told him that Felix did a good job taking care of me too. Duke Fraldarius said I am growing up to be a fine young man. He also said that if I ever want to stay at the Fraldarius estate, I am welcome to stay as long as I wish.

The fortress felt so empty now even though I still have Tabitha, Mother, Father, Miklan, and all our servants. I feel really sad, but I am trying to think about the fact that I can visit Felix in a few weeks!

Father said earlier that even though Felix is small, he has a lot of potential. If I work hard, then it is likely that we can go to the training camp in Fhirdiad together in a year. I was so excited that I didn’t even care when Miklan glared at me across the dinner table. The camp is half a year! It means half a year of staying far away from Miklan! That means half a year of spending time with Felix! Father said that it would be good for me to keep good relations with Felix because one day, he might be my brother in arms. 

I need to train really hard because Felix is really good, and I don’t want to be left behind. Since Felix might be my brother in arms one day, I want to make sure that I can fight as well and not have Felix rescue me all the time. I don’t think Felix would mind being rescued. I asked him once if he wanted to play princess and I could play as the knight, and he said he was okay with that but he still wanted to be a princess with a sword.

I am really happy that Felix is my friend. Sometimes I am worried that I might say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing to hurt Felix again. I asked Tabitha, and she said that this worry is a normal one, and I just have to remember that I don’t want to hurt Felix because I care about him. She said I can’t avoid hurting him, just as he can’t avoid hurting me, but as long as both of us try our best then we will be friends for a long time. That makes sense to me. 

I learned a lot these past few days. I am glad that Duke Fraldarius came with Felix and Glenn. I am also glad that Tabitha explained things to me when I am confused. I am also glad Felix became my friend. I like Felix a lot, and I hope that I get to see him a lot more in the future.

Sincerely,

Sylvain Jose Gautier

**Author's Note:**

> I was working on updating a fic, and I thought it would be a good idea to have flashbacks of kid!Sylvain and kid!Felix. But then my brain was like...what if...just a kid!Sylvain fic? And here we are lol.
> 
> I don't like first person point of view, so this is the first time I've written something like this. Still not sure how I feel about it lol. Good experiment though.


End file.
